This eye-searingly awful cryptocurrency Christmas jumper donates 50% of its profits to a good cause and I still don’t want it

As the holiday season approaches, I’m sure many of us are looking for the perfect gift, or perhaps just something to wear to the office Christmas party to induce an appropriately aghast reaction.

In which case rejoice, dear readers, for I have been shown the true face of holiday cheer—and it’s this vomitorious Christmas jumper.

Or sweater, if you’re on the other side of the Atlantic and really insist. It’s the perfect gift for the crypto fan in your life, or perhaps someone who’s recently become rich/broke off the back of the most recent run on gloriously intangible money that’s previously contributed to ruining graphics card pricing forever.

Bitter, moi? Still, this is actually for a good cause, or at least, half of it is. Notjust clothing promises that 50% of proceeds will be donated to mental health causes across the globe, so you can finally feel good about putting money towards something crypto-related.

Notjust describes itself as “a registered social enterprise built up of socially conscious creatives” that creates “ethical and sustainable products that drive positive social impact”, and cause an impact this jumper certainly does.

From the repeating bitcoin motif to the catchy crypto-inspired phrases around its mid-section, it’s certain to make all those around you very much aware of your internet money fascinations.

Or your desire to sear your colleague’s eyeballs with its fantastically ugly colour palette. There’s also a somewhat-matching bitcoin cryptocurrency scarf to “complete the look”, and even an ethereum version for those whose coin interests lie elsewhere.

Call me old-fashioned if you like (or British, which is virtually the same thing), but if we’re going down the ugly Christmas jumper route I prefer this Pot Noodle-inspired little number:

Mmm, tasty. For those unaware, a Pot Noodle is a horrendous-yet-somehow-good instant noodle snack, popular in the UK with students, the lazy, and the too drunk to cook.

All of which I’ve been at some point in my life, so my allegiance runs deep—as does my desire to take this years Ugly Christmas Jumper award from my hardware overlord Dave James, who’s already wearing his gorgeous Intel model, just like now-retired ex-CEO, Pat Gelsinger.

Should your tech-related Christmas jumper needs remain unfulfilled, Microsoft has some form in this regard. It’s previously released several Windows-themed ugly sweaters for the holiday season, although this year’s entry seems missing from its product page this year.

I’ll keep an eye out for any more ugly jumper entries between now and the big day itself, but I think the crypto-themed entry above has to take the crown for tech-related vomitknits of 2024 so far.