Welcome to the annual (except that one year I forgot) PC Gamer computer simulation of the Super Bowl! Today I’m live-blogging the early access physics-driven Football Simulator (using CPU-controlled teams) to perfectly predict the outcome of this Sunday’s game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles.
I am also going to mess with the physics of the sim so it has Extra Physics. More physics means more accuracy: it’s just smart science. Let’s start the game!
Slight delay in starting the game
Since Football Simulator doesn’t have a license to use the NFL’s real teams, I was just going to use their fake equivalents: The Kansas City Warlocks versus the Philadelphia Phoenixes. Problem is, the Phoenixes have red uniforms, so it kinda makes them look like the Chiefs instead of the Eagles. That’s no good.
What I’m gonna do instead is use the Detroit Gryphons to stand in for Philly (since their uniforms are green and a gryphon is basically an eagle) and the American All-Stars, whose uniforms are red. Philly: Green, KC: Red. Problem solved, let’s start the game!
Another slight delay in starting the game
The real Super Bowl is taking place in New Orleans, but I don’t see New Orleans on the list of stadiums so I’m choosing Las Vegas (the place to bet all your money on football). I’m also setting the weather to be snow because it’s fun when there’s snow and football, so don’t be confused as to why there’s snow, even though the Vegas stadium is a closed dome so there shouldn’t be snow.
But there’s snow! Let’s start the game!
Just one more quick extremely very short slight delay in starting the game
This game doesn’t just have Extra Physics, it has So Many Extra Physics. There are pages and pages of physics. I keep scrolling down and finding more physics. I think Football Simulator has all of the physics?
OVERRIDE FOOT REGAIN PIN SPEED COEFF. STIFF ARMS BOOST IMMUNITY. ORIGINAL MUSCLE PIN WEIGHT. I don’t know what any of this means. I’m just sorta randomly turning some up and some down. I’d look into it more but I’ve really gotta start the game!
I think I used too many Extra Physics.
Current score: 0-0. Future score: 0-0?
Okay, this is obviously fun and amazing, but here in the first quarter I’m a little worried no one is actually going to be able to score or even progress down the field. Every time there’s any sort of collision everyone goes flying. Several players have been ejected into the sidelines and stands.
Mahomes just threw a pass and it laid three players out flat as if they’d been struck by a cannonball. How is anyone ever going to score?
An actual field goal attempt! (Spoiler: it missed)
The Chiefs somehow got into a position to almost score, so that’s progress, but they missed the kick. Boo!
Speaking of kicks, in the next possession, an Eagles player is launched through the wall of the dome and into the parking lot. “Let’s see where they spot this,” the announcer says. They’ll have to spot it in Section 6, Row D4.
The game crashed but the current score is a thrilling Eagles: 0, Chiefs: 0
Just as the Eagles were making a run toward the end zone in the last few seconds of the first quarter, Football Simulator froze for about 10 seconds and then crashed to desktop. (It’s still in early access.) It looked to me like Philly was going to score, but according to my realistic and accurate computer simulation, the world simply ended so I’m not going to award them any points. I am trusting the sim.
I’ve restarted the game, this time in New Orleans (which I missed as an option the first time) and I’m getting rid of the snow so nothing interferes with the extreme accuracy of Extra Physics. I’ll play three more quarters. This is going great and it’s accurate and extremely scientific.
